On May 28th I finally let myself go from a very toxic relationship with someone who I thought I could try to love. I was at a really low point and I met a guy who literally swept me off my feet. I have had healthy relationships before but somehow this guy made me feel completely different. His charm, his smile, his seductive attitude drew me in. I was drawn into him immediately. From day one he let himself go for me. He was very open with his feelings, with his affection, his interest in me was mind boggling. Something a lot of men can’t and don’t do. I thought this was my match for once. Long story short, I became extremely vulnerable. It was different and exciting because I was never ever vulnerable with a guy.

Over time, things started to get worse. He was doing dirty things behind my back, he would lie to me constantly, and I would fight so hard to make him be the guy I was hooked on since day one. I’m a fighter!

Over time I started to realize something was wrong with him but I made excuses. I justified everything. Telling myself he’s never had someone as strong as me so that’s why he’s so difficult. I eventually became weak. I wasn’t use to this so I kept it up. I kept becoming vulnerable. I became pregnant with his child and we both became very attached with each other. After losing the baby naturally, I got into a very dark place. I blamed myself, he blamed me for working too much, for being stressed, everything became my fault. At this point I was so upset with life that the only person I wanted to be with was his miserable self.  Not only did he become obsessed with me and controlling…the breaking phones, shoving me, strangling me, all of that was starting to increase. I lost all my self worth.  It was disgusting.

After endless arguments and fuss about my feelings and begging him to listen to me, I finally gave up. All that “finding the good” in him became draining and I was done. I wanted my friends, and my life back.

Even though I have days that I wish I never met him, I knew this was a life changing experience for me. It’s time to continue to love myself, and when the going gets tough I need to give myself the compassion that I will work through it all. I pushed so many friends and family away due to guilt and those are the people I apologize to.

I’m still in progress. I’m still working on CARINA. I don’t care if anyone judges me, “told me so”, or even feels bad. Whatever my future brings I’m ready for it. Every day I feel different but I know I WIN in the end. From here on out I will make my life all about ME. I hope anyone who is dealing with manipulation or abuse with someone not only physically but emotionally will know the best thing to do is step away! Even if it feels so hard and you can’t understand why JUST DO IT. Step away. Go to friends, go to family. Go to the people who really matter.  Most importantly, find your inner self and realize that you are amazing and will get through anything!