Two years ago I reached out to my ex, the abuser, and told him I’d like to see him face to face. I wasn’t sure if he’d have the same number and my heart was pounding so hard that I almost didn’t send the text. He responded almost immediately; saying it was nice to hear from me and that it would be good to see me. Meanwhile, I could almost taste my rage. A rage I hadn’t expected to be there. We made arrangements to meet in the parking lot of a local mall the next day and I could barely sleep. The next morning he called and asked if I was sure I wanted to meet. Further stating that he didn’t want to upset me, how I’ve always been a “good girl” and that he hasn’t had a “real” relationship since we ended. I assured him that seeing him face to face was something that I definitely wanted to do and confirmed the time again. An hour before our meeting he texted me and asked if my boyfriend or husband knew we were meeting and if he was ok with it. I responded, “My husband is aware and he knows this is something I need to do.” Two minutes later he texted back that he didn’t think a meeting was a good idea and told me to take care of myself. I was so angry that all I could do was laugh. Maybe he thought this was a set up for my husband to confront him or something but it was nothing of the sort. It was for ME. I needed the person who mentally tore me down almost to the point of no return to look me in my eyes. I needed to see the person who inflicted physical pain over and over, leaving bruises (and medical bills along with it) to see me standing stronger than ever. I needed to see him for every time I was called a worthless bitch, for every time I was hit or strangled, for every time I wanted to die. For every time I could have. I was pissed. How dare he, after giving me all that shit he used to say I asked for, not give me the one thing I needed?
I needed him to see he didn’t break me.
But you know what? I realize now that my husband was right. My friends were right. My family, too. He doesn’t owe me. I owe me! I owe it to myself to continue to be this bad ass woman that I have become. I owe it to me to embrace the love that I have for myself, inside and out. I am HAPPY and you know what? I deserve to be. I can’t lie. Deep down, part of me still hopes to run into him one day. When or if I do, I don’t know what I will say. But the difference between two years ago and today is, I realize the person who deserves to know I’m not broken is me.